Thursday, 2 December 2010
Monday, 14 June 2010
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
In the quiet, in the dim lights I sat and stared into nothingness. I whispered, I don't know what for, no one could hear anyway, "What are you so afraid of?"
It was then that the tears began because that's where the answers are, burning in my eyes.
Saturday, 29 May 2010
Friday, 21 May 2010
I think it's important to note about what I'm going to say, I'm not unhappy, far from it. How could I be unhappy? I've got 4 months to do all the things I want to do and I enjoy them like I used to. It's just there's something missing, I can feel it. It should be there, here, or in me. I'm not quite sure where it should be but there is something missing and that, for me, is so frustrating.
It's like I'm in a maze and I can find my way out but there's something trapped in there and it's holding me, it's tugging and pulling at my sleeve. It's something I love or something important that I need to find, I can't leave it in that maze. Maybe it's something I've forgotten, or it's something that I don't yet know I'm in there to save but I can feel it with me. It almost feels like if I don't try to look and I break free of the hold, it'll stay with me, haunting me forever.
I'm starting to wonder whether this important hold, this grip on my arm, is mine.
Friday, 14 May 2010
Time gives you thought (although too much of it is a hell of a lot worse), in that thinking you come to some kind of conclusion, it's a sort of personal knowledge for some. In that knowledge and thought, we have too much. We know too much, beneath our skin, in our brains; behind everything we see, everything we don't, it's in things we hear and don't; the implied and explicit. Within everything of our lives we know more than we'd like to believe. Some people embrace it, some people would prefer not to.
For all we hurt, it's knowledge that hurts. Ignorance is bliss and it's not that it's the best thing, but thinking and knowing is what hurts. For all we think about the world and why we're here, the thoughts scare us. Maybe it's best not to know why? Maybe it's best not to have answers? The most intelligent and knowing people, in my eyes, must be cursed. Just think, to have answers in your mind must kill you. To know the sinister and to know the great but to know that one outweighs the other, when you know the bare truth? That must be the biggest drain on you.
I wish I didn't think so much, then I wouldn't care so much and I probably wouldn't have had half of the hurt I've felt in my life. I probably wouldn't have been so worried about things, I'd probably see life and our existance as some kind of Utopia. Sometimes I hate the things I think, it leads to me searching, discovering, knowing and understanding.
I don't have enough time for all this thought. I don't always want to understand the things that happen or the things that just are. Understanding the bad, and even the good can lead to negative emotions, like guilt and sadness, then wondering why things can't all be equal, why everyone and everything can't be good or positive. Yet I know, and understand it can't be, not for our society to function.
Do you understand? I wish I didn't.
Monday, 10 May 2010
I definitely need to go out, I'm getting these terrible feelings again. They probably were intensified when my mother went out in the middle of the night, hysterical and not returning for 2 hours, I actually thought she might have done something stupid, considering how irrational she actually is lately. It's all so strange, I don't know what this feeling actually is. Overload? Seeking escape?
Maybe I'll spend a little while being pessimistic about everything and I hope I'm proved wrong.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
I know this'll sound like a recurring, self-pitying tune but I haven't actually felt this way in over a year. I'm not exactly sure whether what I'm about to explain is me, or other people.
I always try to be nice to people but I'm kind of tired of it, it reminds me of my aunt and I've seen that woman once in 10 years just because if you're so nice to her, she literally has a way of just making you her bitch. I think that's what [he] was trying to imply in his silence today, he let me do the talking and reflection in one go - that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, even if it's 98% niceness and 2% harsh.
We're all born in this world alone, sometimes we have to deal with it alone...I'm sure as hell used to dealing with all my shit single handedly - I can't even remember the last real problem I went to a friend for help, even when my mother slapped and shoved the shit out of me for no reason at all. Granted, a lot of the time people don't actually ask, neither do I, I just think it's what people do - give it when you see someone needs it. I guess he was trying to ask me if it was always balanced, instead of defending people, the answer is probably, no, it's not. I don't know where I'm going with this or why I started writing it, it's just nice to feel like someone would go out of their way for you, to know that you're alright and I just don't. I don't actually feel like I have anyone in my life like that.Pretty sad, huh?
No wonder why I can feel so lonely at times, even if it has been a while.
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Today I bought a new journal. I looked at my last one which is barely written in and writing in that journal, just picking up where I left off, would be sort of painful. It's like going back and having to explain everything and reflect on all those missed months, all those missed months that I couldn't bring myself to write about it.
So there sat a new journal, fresh and sophisticated. I updated it with a brief of 2009 and of early 2010, when I say brief I mean BRIEF, with no hate nor feeling, just illustrated as it was and how I experienced it. I then wrote so freely about things with me now, my emotions pouring onto the page, through that pen like tears. It's true, writing is such a beautiful therapy to me.
(One day, when it is full - and I do hope to fill this one- I shall share it with someone special to hold and treasure.)
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Thursday, 15 April 2010
I can talk about things I couldn't before, I can sleep at night. I can read my favourite books and do my favourite things again.
I've come to the realisation that I don't hate all those people who collectively, left me feeling crumpled and low - I let those people do that to me. Instead I pity their need to do that to people, they've got their own problems.
So here I am, content and myself again.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Every day I need more and more pills.
Every day is worse.
Every day my head screams.
Every day I don't want to do it.
Every day, the things I like.
Every day, I don't want to do.
My head screams.
Let go, let go.
Let it all go away.
More and more pills to sleep.
Every day, more and more.
Every day I don't want to wake up.
Every day I don't want to eat.
Every day I don't want to watch those programmes.
Every day I don't want to listen to that music.
Every day I don't want to read those books.
Every day, every day.Letting go of every day.
Thursday, 18 March 2010
The weather has been funny recently, it sort of feels like summer is trying to inch it's way in slowly. I thought some fresh air would do me some good so I crept outside and sat in the warm air. The Sun shone down against my cheeks and the breeze grazed my ears whilst I sat staring at an ant colony. "An ant colony?" You ask? I don't know why but it was the first thing I noticed. I find that sort of fascinating that I noticed the littlest thing first, they're just so mighty in their little gangs. It sort of gives me hope about the human race. No matter how small or silent you may be, there's always a way of being seen/heard. You do want it to come before you're declared mad though - before you get violent or psycho on people. It just gives me hope that if we all stuck together, united, we could be heard about whatever we're passionate about.
Behind me birds chirped and called one another whilst my cat, Travis, rolled around in the mud where the grass no longer grows. I heard the sound of scurried feet behind me but I ignored it. Humans aren't allowed in my daydreams with nature. I closed my eyes and opened my ears, just to take everything in. I heard myself breathing but felt something. I felt something deep within my chest, a sudden calm emotion and almost like a touch on my face, almost like the breath of a human life. I think it was sort of the breath of life. Like a breath from nature, reminding me how beautiful life can be if you just close your eyes and listen.
Everyone needs reminding from time to time. I started to see life as a grey space with occasional burst colour that people would talk about so much. I'd listen and watch in awe because I started to think we rarely saw them in life and it was for this reason we babbled on about them so much. I've been reminded that we do see them, every day. It's the moment you wake up and blink in the mornings, the first thought enters your mind and the cold that hits your body to give you a startling shock, just to remind you that you're alive. It's everything we take for granted.
This is going to sound like such airy fairy bullshit but I haven't been looking at anything beautiful apart from other people's photography, quotes and life lessons recently...I guess that happens when you hit a temporary wall where you're low and you can't escape it. I saw it though, with my eyes like camera lenses and I felt it, like a snail's feelers. These days where you're on your own or with someone and you have this silent moment where you just breathe it all in and close off your mind, those moments are important. When you stop opening your eyes, get grumpy and start to feel like you hate everything and everyone, nothing can teach you a better life lesson than listening to the sounds of nature around you and breathing in the sense of life from the world.
Somewhere along the line, us as humans, we've lost our sense of life. It isn't about the latest mobile phone, the biggest flat screen tv or how many friends we have on facebook. It's about the ground we walk on. It's about the joys we've stopped noticing because we're sitting in our gaming chairs playing xbox. I'm a hypocrite, yes. I guess I do like to do a bit of gaming. I've just noticed that, as humans, we've stopped looking as much. If we looked at the things around us, the things that are already there and free, we'd have much more love, love of ourselves, of the world we live in and within us. That is the only logical reason I have for the building hatred in this world - because we don't look past our consumerism to see the most natural and beautiful things in this world that could fill our hearts with warmth.
That's what I think anyway.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
What I can say is that in my time away from blogspot, I've changed, a lot. That shitty music blog I did? I hate half of those bands now, ok, maybe all of them. I've not just changed musically though. People have changed me as a person. I thought I knew who I was but now I've seen things in myself which I'm not so sure about. Things that only I have come to notice in my own reflection. I think we always have more to learn about ourselves and we never truly know who we are until we've experienced everything and anything possible - which is sort of impossible to be honest.
What I do know is, I'm strong. I cope in the worst and best situations. I love that about myself. I'm still amused by everything, I'm mostly smiling, I laugh a lot, I see the world in ways I'm not quite sure others do (I don't say that arrogantly either). I'm moody, sometimes introverted (much to the annoyance of others)and I guess I'm still as cutting as ever when people hurt me but that's just a defense mechanism. I can't really explain who I was and who I am now. I just know I've got more love, and serenity in my heart than I did before. I'm different, sort of like a pair of new jeans that've been customised. How can you compare them to new ones you've just bought?
I'm 19 and the last two years have taught me the world isn't fun. You can make it fun though. I call on anyone who sees me as younger than my years to check up on me in 30 years time - I'll still be the same and I think, if I'm still alive, I'll be somewhat happier than the average indifferent person. Teachers should keep that connection with childhood. It's not because I'm immature, because I'm not - I could hold a conversation with anyone of any age, it's just I find that if you're too serious when you don't have to be, you spend your life in the constraints of the expectations from society; everyone wants you to be so serious all the time and fair play if it is needed but when it isn't, well, in the end, that's what'll kill you.
I won't lie, I'm not always happy, that's what people don't always see about me, people might be fooled because I wear a smile all the time, sometimes it's just to mask things. I don't always like to share what I'm thinking with people and I guess its hard for some people to understand. I don't think I'm unhappy either, I think I think too much and I'm beginning to attempt to answer questions that I have that I shouldn't answer for my own good.
I've missed blogging so honestly and openly. It's sort of refreshing. Even if it is just a whole blog post about me and my personality. I just find it fascinating writing about it though because as I thought about every aspect, I started to pinpoint what or who made me a certain way. Those things are important to remember.
So that's me, who I sort of am now and such. I currently have the flu and I'm just surviving university deadlines. I don't even know how. I think it'd be a good idea for me to hit the hay for my own good! I hope to blog again soon