Friday, 21 May 2010


I haven't slept since Monday night. Apart from a 15 minute nap and even then I automatically woke up. I don't know what it is, I'm just incredibly restless but so amazinly exhausted. On nights like this I like being in the passenger seat of a car, looking up at the sky and falling asleep.

I think it's important to note about what I'm going to say, I'm not unhappy, far from it. How could I be unhappy? I've got 4 months to do all the things I want to do and I enjoy them like I used to. It's just there's something missing, I can feel it. It should be there, here, or in me. I'm not quite sure where it should be but there is something missing and that, for me, is so frustrating.

It's like I'm in a maze and I can find my way out but there's something trapped in there and it's holding me, it's tugging and pulling at my sleeve. It's something I love or something important that I need to find, I can't leave it in that maze. Maybe it's something I've forgotten, or it's something that I don't yet know I'm in there to save but I can feel it with me. It almost feels like if I don't try to look and I break free of the hold, it'll stay with me, haunting me forever.

I'm starting to wonder whether this important hold, this grip on my arm, is mine.

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