Saturday, 29 May 2010

Every now and then.

The immensity of it,

The routine,

The meaning.




Like a bus,

It hits me.


Friday, 21 May 2010


I haven't slept since Monday night. Apart from a 15 minute nap and even then I automatically woke up. I don't know what it is, I'm just incredibly restless but so amazinly exhausted. On nights like this I like being in the passenger seat of a car, looking up at the sky and falling asleep.

I think it's important to note about what I'm going to say, I'm not unhappy, far from it. How could I be unhappy? I've got 4 months to do all the things I want to do and I enjoy them like I used to. It's just there's something missing, I can feel it. It should be there, here, or in me. I'm not quite sure where it should be but there is something missing and that, for me, is so frustrating.

It's like I'm in a maze and I can find my way out but there's something trapped in there and it's holding me, it's tugging and pulling at my sleeve. It's something I love or something important that I need to find, I can't leave it in that maze. Maybe it's something I've forgotten, or it's something that I don't yet know I'm in there to save but I can feel it with me. It almost feels like if I don't try to look and I break free of the hold, it'll stay with me, haunting me forever.

I'm starting to wonder whether this important hold, this grip on my arm, is mine.

Friday, 14 May 2010

I've been thinking...

I should be finishing my assignments but I've been thinking, which is kind of ironic, considering what I'm about to say.

Time gives you thought (although too much of it is a hell of a lot worse), in that thinking you come to some kind of conclusion, it's a sort of personal knowledge for some. In that knowledge and thought, we have too much. We know too much, beneath our skin, in our brains; behind everything we see, everything we don't, it's in things we hear and don't; the implied and explicit. Within everything of our lives we know more than we'd like to believe. Some people embrace it, some people would prefer not to.

For all we hurt, it's knowledge that hurts. Ignorance is bliss and it's not that it's the best thing, but thinking and knowing is what hurts. For all we think about the world and why we're here, the thoughts scare us. Maybe it's best not to know why? Maybe it's best not to have answers? The most intelligent and knowing people, in my eyes, must be cursed. Just think, to have answers in your mind must kill you. To know the sinister and to know the great but to know that one outweighs the other, when you know the bare truth? That must be the biggest drain on you.

I wish I didn't think so much, then I wouldn't care so much and I probably wouldn't have had half of the hurt I've felt in my life. I probably wouldn't have been so worried about things, I'd probably see life and our existance as some kind of Utopia. Sometimes I hate the things I think, it leads to me searching, discovering, knowing and understanding.

I don't have enough time for all this thought. I don't always want to understand the things that happen or the things that just are. Understanding the bad, and even the good can lead to negative emotions, like guilt and sadness, then wondering why things can't all be equal, why everyone and everything can't be good or positive. Yet I know, and understand it can't be, not for our society to function.

Do you understand? I wish I didn't.

Monday, 10 May 2010

Life and Death.

I still don't know what to say to my aunt about her baby, apart from the usual sitty "I'm so sorry to hear the news". She's trying for another already but I just fear the same will happen and she'll be left feeling like something's missing. I just hope it won't put her life in danger either, that's the most important thing. I just can't imagine how she feels because she was so happy and her happiness was literally torn away from her.

I definitely need to go out, I'm getting these terrible feelings again. They probably were intensified when my mother went out in the middle of the night, hysterical and not returning for 2 hours, I actually thought she might have done something stupid, considering how irrational she actually is lately. It's all so strange, I don't know what this feeling actually is. Overload? Seeking escape?

Maybe I'll spend a little while being pessimistic about everything and I hope I'm proved wrong.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

P, LM.

I know this'll sound like a recurring, self-pitying tune but I haven't actually felt this way in over a year. I'm not exactly sure whether what I'm about to explain is me, or other people.

I always try to be nice to people but I'm kind of tired of it, it reminds me of my aunt and I've seen that woman once in 10 years just because if you're so nice to her, she literally has a way of just making you her bitch. I think that's what [he] was trying to imply in his silence today, he let me do the talking and reflection in one go - that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, even if it's 98% niceness and 2% harsh.

We're all born in this world alone, sometimes we have to deal with it alone...I'm sure as hell used to dealing with all my shit single handedly - I can't even remember the last real problem I went to a friend for help, even when my mother slapped and shoved the shit out of me for no reason at all. Granted, a lot of the time people don't actually ask, neither do I, I just think it's what people do - give it when you see someone needs it. I guess he was trying to ask me if it was always balanced, instead of defending people, the answer is probably, no, it's not. I don't know where I'm going with this or why I started writing it, it's just nice to feel like someone would go out of their way for you, to know that you're alright and I just don't. I don't actually feel like I have anyone in my life like that.

Pretty sad, huh?

No wonder why I can feel so lonely at times, even if it has been a while.