Thursday, 18 March 2010

A Breath of Fresh Air.

Some of my favourite times are when I'm on my own. I know that makes me sound like such a loner but some of my most peaceful, harmonious and heart warming times are spent with Me, Myself and I. Since I'm currently ill, I get to spend a lot of time by myself.

The weather has been funny recently, it sort of feels like summer is trying to inch it's way in slowly. I thought some fresh air would do me some good so I crept outside and sat in the warm air. The Sun shone down against my cheeks and the breeze grazed my ears whilst I sat staring at an ant colony. "An ant colony?" You ask? I don't know why but it was the first thing I noticed. I find that sort of fascinating that I noticed the littlest thing first, they're just so mighty in their little gangs. It sort of gives me hope about the human race. No matter how small or silent you may be, there's always a way of being seen/heard. You do want it to come before you're declared mad though - before you get violent or psycho on people. It just gives me hope that if we all stuck together, united, we could be heard about whatever we're passionate about.

Behind me birds chirped and called one another whilst my cat, Travis, rolled around in the mud where the grass no longer grows. I heard the sound of scurried feet behind me but I ignored it. Humans aren't allowed in my daydreams with nature. I closed my eyes and opened my ears, just to take everything in. I heard myself breathing but felt something. I felt something deep within my chest, a sudden calm emotion and almost like a touch on my face, almost like the breath of a human life. I think it was sort of the breath of life. Like a breath from nature, reminding me how beautiful life can be if you just close your eyes and listen.

Everyone needs reminding from time to time. I started to see life as a grey space with occasional burst colour that people would talk about so much. I'd listen and watch in awe because I started to think we rarely saw them in life and it was for this reason we babbled on about them so much. I've been reminded that we do see them, every day. It's the moment you wake up and blink in the mornings, the first thought enters your mind and the cold that hits your body to give you a startling shock, just to remind you that you're alive. It's everything we take for granted.

This is going to sound like such airy fairy bullshit but I haven't been looking at anything beautiful apart from other people's photography, quotes and life lessons recently...I guess that happens when you hit a temporary wall where you're low and you can't escape it. I saw it though, with my eyes like camera lenses and I felt it, like a snail's feelers. These days where you're on your own or with someone and you have this silent moment where you just breathe it all in and close off your mind, those moments are important. When you stop opening your eyes, get grumpy and start to feel like you hate everything and everyone, nothing can teach you a better life lesson than listening to the sounds of nature around you and breathing in the sense of life from the world.

Somewhere along the line, us as humans, we've lost our sense of life. It isn't about the latest mobile phone, the biggest flat screen tv or how many friends we have on facebook. It's about the ground we walk on. It's about the joys we've stopped noticing because we're sitting in our gaming chairs playing xbox. I'm a hypocrite, yes. I guess I do like to do a bit of gaming. I've just noticed that, as humans, we've stopped looking as much. If we looked at the things around us, the things that are already there and free, we'd have much more love, love of ourselves, of the world we live in and within us. That is the only logical reason I have for the building hatred in this world - because we don't look past our consumerism to see the most natural and beautiful things in this world that could fill our hearts with warmth.

That's what I think anyway.

Tuesday, 16 March 2010


Well I'm back to blogging here, fleeing the popularity of livejournal! No, not really. I just needed a space for my own thoughts to share with people I trust. I like blogging but I did want to escape certain people and their judgements on my life.

What I can say is that in my time away from blogspot, I've changed, a lot. That shitty music blog I did? I hate half of those bands now, ok, maybe all of them. I've not just changed musically though. People have changed me as a person. I thought I knew who I was but now I've seen things in myself which I'm not so sure about. Things that only I have come to notice in my own reflection. I think we always have more to learn about ourselves and we never truly know who we are until we've experienced everything and anything possible - which is sort of impossible to be honest.

What I do know is, I'm strong. I cope in the worst and best situations. I love that about myself. I'm still amused by everything, I'm mostly smiling, I laugh a lot, I see the world in ways I'm not quite sure others do (I don't say that arrogantly either). I'm moody, sometimes introverted (much to the annoyance of others)and I guess I'm still as cutting as ever when people hurt me but that's just a defense mechanism. I can't really explain who I was and who I am now. I just know I've got more love, and serenity in my heart than I did before. I'm different, sort of like a pair of new jeans that've been customised. How can you compare them to new ones you've just bought?

I'm 19 and the last two years have taught me the world isn't fun. You can make it fun though. I call on anyone who sees me as younger than my years to check up on me in 30 years time - I'll still be the same and I think, if I'm still alive, I'll be somewhat happier than the average indifferent person. Teachers should keep that connection with childhood. It's not because I'm immature, because I'm not - I could hold a conversation with anyone of any age, it's just I find that if you're too serious when you don't have to be, you spend your life in the constraints of the expectations from society; everyone wants you to be so serious all the time and fair play if it is needed but when it isn't, well, in the end, that's what'll kill you.

I won't lie, I'm not always happy, that's what people don't always see about me, people might be fooled because I wear a smile all the time, sometimes it's just to mask things. I don't always like to share what I'm thinking with people and I guess its hard for some people to understand. I don't think I'm unhappy either, I think I think too much and I'm beginning to attempt to answer questions that I have that I shouldn't answer for my own good.

I've missed blogging so honestly and openly. It's sort of refreshing. Even if it is just a whole blog post about me and my personality. I just find it fascinating writing about it though because as I thought about every aspect, I started to pinpoint what or who made me a certain way. Those things are important to remember.

So that's me, who I sort of am now and such. I currently have the flu and I'm just surviving university deadlines. I don't even know how. I think it'd be a good idea for me to hit the hay for my own good! I hope to blog again soon