Ripples.

The grace of a trouble,
Smooth and delicate,
Yet adamant in making itself known,
In still waters,
They will skim like pebbles,
Suddenly and without a cause,
My ocean is rippled.

This is the life.

I'm doing it for myself.

I'm going to stay positive (or hide away in my little cave until I can be positive).

Everything is going to be A-Okay.

Everything is good.

Everything is a dream.

Reality feels like a dream.
Dreams are starting to feel like reality.

Asking for nothing, feeling everything.

It's so quiet, I'm alone and thinking, like most nights.

In the quiet, in the dim lights I sat and stared into nothingness. I whispered, I don't know what for, no one could hear anyway, "What are you so afraid of?"

It was then that the tears began because that's where the answers are, burning in my eyes.

Every now and then.

The immensity of it,

The routine,

The meaning.

Challenging,

Emerging,

Searching.

Like a bus,

It hits me.

Life.

Insomnia.

I haven't slept since Monday night. Apart from a 15 minute nap and even then I automatically woke up. I don't know what it is, I'm just incredibly restless but so amazinly exhausted. On nights like this I like being in the passenger seat of a car, looking up at the sky and falling asleep.

I think it's important to note about what I'm going to say, I'm not unhappy, far from it. How could I be unhappy? I've got 4 months to do all the things I want to do and I enjoy them like I used to. It's just there's something missing, I can feel it. It should be there, here, or in me. I'm not quite sure where it should be but there is something missing and that, for me, is so frustrating.

It's like I'm in a maze and I can find my way out but there's something trapped in there and it's holding me, it's tugging and pulling at my sleeve. It's something I love or something important that I need to find, I can't leave it in that maze. Maybe it's something I've forgotten, or it's something that I don't yet know I'm in there to save but I can feel it with me. It almost feels like if I don't try to look and I break free of the hold, it'll stay with me, haunting me forever.

I'm starting to wonder whether this important hold, this grip on my arm, is mine.

I've been thinking...

I should be finishing my assignments but I've been thinking, which is kind of ironic, considering what I'm about to say.

Time gives you thought (although too much of it is a hell of a lot worse), in that thinking you come to some kind of conclusion, it's a sort of personal knowledge for some. In that knowledge and thought, we have too much. We know too much, beneath our skin, in our brains; behind everything we see, everything we don't, it's in things we hear and don't; the implied and explicit. Within everything of our lives we know more than we'd like to believe. Some people embrace it, some people would prefer not to.

For all we hurt, it's knowledge that hurts. Ignorance is bliss and it's not that it's the best thing, but thinking and knowing is what hurts. For all we think about the world and why we're here, the thoughts scare us. Maybe it's best not to know why? Maybe it's best not to have answers? The most intelligent and knowing people, in my eyes, must be cursed. Just think, to have answers in your mind must kill you. To know the sinister and to know the great but to know that one outweighs the other, when you know the bare truth? That must be the biggest drain on you.

I wish I didn't think so much, then I wouldn't care so much and I probably wouldn't have had half of the hurt I've felt in my life. I probably wouldn't have been so worried about things, I'd probably see life and our existance as some kind of Utopia. Sometimes I hate the things I think, it leads to me searching, discovering, knowing and understanding.

I don't have enough time for all this thought. I don't always want to understand the things that happen or the things that just are. Understanding the bad, and even the good can lead to negative emotions, like guilt and sadness, then wondering why things can't all be equal, why everyone and everything can't be good or positive. Yet I know, and understand it can't be, not for our society to function.

Do you understand? I wish I didn't.